When will I know what I want?


I'm conflicted about putting my most private thoughts on the internet for random strangers to see, especially because this is where I send people when they ask me for social media. On the other hand, though, I don't think anyone reads this fucking thing so whatever.

I recently started a new, more physically demanding job- and my schoolwork took a dive as a result. My head is just now reaching the surface again; in other words, I haven't had much time or energy to spend on existential dread or post-breakup moping. Some might view that as a good thing- but to me, it just feels like I'm skimming the pages of my life and not retaining all the important information.

I want to learn guitar. I need to learn guitar. For some reason, I feel like it's my biological imperative to be a musician. Not a famous one, although there were points in my life where that was the goal. I've reasoned it out in my head now so that it's a little less about getting attention from people and more about self-fulfillment. I really just want to be able to express myself. I like to write poetry and I'd love to turn some of it into music if I could.

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do or say, you can never escape the pre-conditioned responses that are baked into your head? Do you ever say something to someone and immediately wish you hadn't said anything at all- either because it was such a non-statement that it might as well have not been uttered or because all it did was make you seem more and more like a know-it-all prick?

Yeah, I feel like that all the time.

I'm beginning to become grossed out with how much of my individualism I assert onto others, which is kind of what I was getting at. See, even that feels like such a pretentious string of words, you know what I mean? Ugh! It's just inescapable man. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I'm just uncomfortable with myself. More than I initially thought I was, I guess. I don't know how to be honest; it feels like everything I do is so people will think that I'm cool and interesting. Being a person is so difficult.